I am beginning to really dislike holidays. I have always been a bit of a Scrooge and have referred to holidays, even my own birthdays, as faux hype. In the past year or so, since Ray was killed, I have developed a strong hate for them all. Any form of reflection that holidays ensue lead me to thinking of him. Sometimes, I pick up the phone to call him and then have a complete meltdown when I remember he is gone. I do that a lot when I have some good news I want to share with someone. It’s a real downer.
So, today, I decided to do something that would make me happy and that would be something he would love too. I finally got to go on a bike ride thanks to the higher temps for snow meltage. I did his favorite ride. Central Park loops. One of our last conversations was about how we were going to race the loop every day when he came back. He never made it to NY again.
Then I cooked his favorite meal that I made for him often. Green bean casserole with home made french fried onions. Broccoli salad. Mashed Potatoes. Yum!!!
Last, I read all the notes, messages, etc. that I have from him. Some date back to 2001 and some are from the day before he died.
I found a photo of him that I didn’t remember. It made my year! No joke.
Now, I can try and get through the rest of the night without trying to not think about the one thing it is inevitable that I think about.
I will miss him forever. Sunday will mark exactly one and a half years. It’s no better than it was the day I woke up to find out the news. It’s just different. I remind myself of Ray’s favorite advice to me.
“Be good or be good at it and play your position is all you can do.”
